Well, that got dark really fast.
1. BODY IN A MATTRESS. WE HAVE A BODY IN A MATTRESS.
2. What is it with this hotel and bodies in mattresses? Don't you know you're supposed to sleep on TOP of the mattress?
3. Oh gosh, Sarah Paulson kisses him as she sews him into the mattress? She needs like, a nice warm hug or something.
4. Oh, the vampire kid says the blonde girl tastes gross? Well maybe if you were eating Swedish Fish instead of Swedish tourists, you wouldn't be complaining about your food!
5. I've got to hand it to her, I didn't think the Swedish tourists would make it alive out of the opening scene. One of them made it to the second episode. Congrats!
6. I'm guessing most of the hotels I've stayed at don't have garbage chutes for dead bodies. But I usually stay at like, a Best Western or Hampton Inn so I think that makes sense.
7. Lady Gaga slamming the door on evil Kathy Bates? GIVE HER THE EMMY RIGHT NOW!
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8. Matthew Bomer should be banned from ever wearing a shirt. Obama, make it happen.
9. In Matt Bomer's defense, I'd love to stay in and binge-watch House of Cards with Lady Gaga too.
10. CUE THE CREEPY CREDITS. I'm not sleeping tonight, am I?
11. Chloë Sevigny is making me so glad I already got my flu shot this year.
12. I still can't believe the cop with the eyebrows chose THIS hotel to stay in. Like out of all the hundreds of hotels in L.A., you choose to stay in the haunted, murderous one? COME ON.
13. OMG IT IS DRILL DILDO MONSTER.
14. And people covered in what I HOPE is mud screwing in the shower. How has the Hotel Cortez not been shut down by the health department?!
15. I want to drink a ginger ale with Sarah Paulson TBH.
16. "The hour between 2 and 3 a.m. is always the worst." Trust me, I've been out on a Friday night in L.A. before, I can attest to this.
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